Thursday, June 9, 2011

Motivation: quiet, loud, guilty, and other.

I am really working the whole procrastinating thing today. Working as in neglecting to do, working as in putting off, working as in revising my to-do list instead of doing my to-do list.

I haven't felt guilty about it until I've put pen to paper (which, to be honest, I'm not really doing that either), so I've really not completely felt even a modest amount of guilt until right about... now. Hollow keys, hollow sound, undone work.


I like to think there is a sort of scale where intention to act, action, and continued action/completion are clearly delineated, that every intention to act gets you closer to doing the thing you said you'd do. That the itching, inkling, almosting thing is really work. We can call this quiet motivation. It's really the polar opposite of procrastination, though they look remarkably similar.

Loud motivation is like my kid, or a thunderstorm, perhaps both. I woke up at 5:15 this morning. I had NO motivation to do so. Thunder decided it was time for that. So I woke up, but I woke up in that way that really mirrors sleep in that my eyes were closed, the covers were over my head, and the curtains were as taut as a young drum. My child then woke up. Enter loud motivation: I DONT LIKE THUNDER MUMMAH. I NEED AN OUTFIT MUMMAH. Thunder had much to say too. Think of the scale, mentioned previously, loud motivation is an element of that scale too, moving you perhaps not from motivation to act, to action, but from each section of the scale (and backwards too) depending upon your own predisposition to loudness.

Guilty motivation is an ever-constant non-companion. I have it various points of the day, the hour, the month. It supports me looking for a higher salaried job, it causes me to think about how often or infrequent I see my Mom. It likes to do that part most. And I haven't seen her in weeks. Given that I'm not sure where I'm at in my motivation to act/action grid. Perhaps I'm under it.

Which leads me to the other type of motivation: hungry.

I have been known to be a hungry person, both with regard to what I eat (I get away with caloric murder to not be at least now, morbidly obese) with regard to books (I ate the story of HELA in less than 2 days) and with cultural stuff... I won't detail my curiosity about what folks do around the world with their own placentas, but I could.

Hungry motivation, at least mine, is thoughtless, reckless and thoughtful. It is full of want and need, and can be quiet guilty and loud. But it infrequently turns off, and reluctantly goes to bed. It's a major part of who I am...

It's my greatest burden, and biggest too. But definitely greatest.I'm hungry as hell. And that means something. But back to neglecting my to do list. And time to see Mummi. Some other stuff too. Time to walk the grid/plank/whatever it is.