As a kid, I didn't say much. I thought much, but: I lived in my head, I zoned out. Much of the time, I still do. But I've lost the relative shyness I had. I'm not a person anyone would likely call quiet, but I'm not a total stage-hoe.
I like to think I talk as much as I listen. In some places that ain't right, and in some places I'm likely considered a sage.
In any event, I have a hard time separating what I hear from what I see. And I'm not so certain I should. Words weigh a lot with me/on me. I am semi-dense (yeah, I admit it). You can buy me (please buy me) gifts, Monday through Sunday, but can't say why you bought them, or that they were expressly for me... and, well, I'll never know. #shrug Genetic emotional defect I say.
My mother bought me strange things. Still does. Some'd consider it junk. Sometimes I do. Sometimes it smells a lot like smoke. Sometimes it's strange; think: hair weave when (for now) I don't do that. Items I wanted as a kid but never got: an electric toothbrush (likely used), a AA bra (I'm thankfully bigger'n that now), and a damn g-string. For serious. A g. All wrapped up in a bag my mother hands me with a hug. How can you laugh? How can I be anything other than thankful? She does, after all have so little. She does, week by week, simply refuse to hear me (beggingly) say: No Mummi. Please, no more gifts. I'm good, Mummi. I am.
But the woman says, outright and without fail: I love you. Be safe, Diane. Don't get to be more than 200 pounds (giggle). Eat breakfast, Diane. Your hair looks pretty.
This woman with little, extends a hug. Talks to me, eye to eye, and never fails to touch my cheek. We position ourselves sometimes like grooming monkeys. It's pretty damn cute. It's pretty damn vulnerable. It's pretty.
And it's pretty hard to see, when ones heart is so vulnerable, when ones intentions are so bared, to understand: what the hell are those of us not plagued with such immediacy waiting on? Why is it so hard for those of us who don't have it so hard?
Love now. Because we can. Talk now, because we can/should.
And because all the other things: expensive gifts, while nice, don't say it as clearly, as succinctly.
And we likely need them/it to.